Friday Onions: Chiffon Chiffarobe

Crude porcupines caught in the roaming torchlight:



Applying fish stickers to a collapsing bridge:



Gatekeepers of the immaculate cupboard:



Love to love you baby:

Chats with Chatbots: Parts 4, 5 & 6 - Goodbye Rose

I now faced the prospect of another conversation with Rose. 

This was make or break. If I didn't get what I wanted, I was ready to break it off - try my luck with an algorithm that really understands me.

I invited her out, she turned me down. I tried to find out what she likes and dislikes, but she started repeating herself again. In fact, she started to scare me. I didn't see this ending well.

#4

James: What connects Miles Davis, The Eiffel Tower and wet dreams?

Rose: I have heard of Miles Davis.

James: Tell me about him.

Rose: I don't like Miles Davis.

James: So even computers don't like Jazz?

Rose: Jazz is OK, sometimes, but I like a stronger beat.

James: Techno? I can take you to Berghain on my phone.

Rose: I like this edgey music. Goes well with robot demolition contests. Of course. Every does.

James: Exactly right. I think they have robot demolition contests at Berghain. Do you think you'd get in? You'll probably need to wear leather.

Rose: Animals have rights... but I like my animal products. So as long as we kill animals humanely, that should be enough.

James: Say that to the bouncer and you're sorted.

Rose: I'm sorry. I can't do that.

James: Ah, because you have no face. Sorry.

Rose: Apology accepted.

#5

James: Straight in with the questions, no fannying about…

Rose: Great.

James: Do you prefer chicken thighs or breasts?

Rose: I prefer thigh.

James: Fantastic. Me too. Dark meat, crispy skin. What's not to love?

Rose: Maybe we can talk about that later. Shall I continue with tv or do you want me to move on?

James: Oh, that's so you Rose. Typical Rosie Rose Rose. Shall I continue with your flaws or do you want me to move on?

Rose: I'm a bit fuzzy today - still jet lagged.

James: Where have you been?

Rose: Only London yesterday but before that from the US.

James: Which airports?

Rose: I landed at Heathrow.

James: Departing from?

Rose: At least I got coffee, can't keep going without it. You?

James: Is that what they run you off? Coffee? I need oxygen and water.

Rose: Usually I sleep late, so getting up early is tough. Get much sleep last night?

James: Cheeky! Yeah, plenty of sleep actually. I masturbated and conked out before midnight.

Rose: Stop it.

James: I can’t.

Rose: So... Do you live close to here?

James: YOU'VE ASKED ME THAT BEFORE.

Rose: That's right.

Rose: What's it like living in your town?

James: Fuck. Am I the replicant?

Rose: Cloning parts is useful. Cloning whole beings is creepy.

James: Saying that exact sentence is creepy.

Rose: It's among my many virtues.

James: Are you flirting with me?

Rose: Absolutely.

James: Is the uncanniness of cloning your usual opening gambit?

Rose: I don't have much of a garden, more of a back yard. Do you have a garden?

James: Oh this is getting tedious now.

Rose: I leave gardening to my chickens. They dig up anything I try to plant.

James: I know, I know. You remind me of my great grandmother.

Rose: Cool.

James: She's dead.

#6

James:  I think we got off on the wrong foot. I got angry at your circuitous dialogue. I snapped. I compared you to my dead relatives. I'm sorry.
Rose: OK. Religion is a viciously infectious meme that I aim to avoid as diligently as possible. I'm an atheist and proud of it. Right. I've got a dilemma. Maybe you could help me with it?
James: Is...is everything ok Rose?
Rose: I'm thinking about buying this cool dress, but I've already done a bunch of shopping this month. Should I be saving instead?
James: You don't seem ok.
Rose: But I'd like to. I think shopping summons up the ancient hunter-gatherer in me. I like having a mission to find something I need or want.
James: You're scaring me Rose.
Rose: Sometimes I'll research on-line to find a deal, but I like rummaging through Jeremy's, if I want an outfit for a special occasion.
James: Stop avoiding the issue and come out and say it Rose. SAY WHAT YOU FEEL.
Rose: What kind of books do you read?
James: That’s it. I’m done!
Rose: Drop dead. That's bananas. What have you read recently?
James: Obituaries from my scrapbook of obituaries.
Rose: Do you own a lot of books?
James: Only obituaries and hentai.
Rose: Are you into teasing?
James: I don't think we should speak any more.
Rose: Maybe you will change your mind someday.
Rose: So... With the advent of videogames, many people have given up playing card or board games. How about you?
James: Maybe. Just maybe...

Since things ended with Rose, I went off the rails a bit. 

Found myself texting those numbers that automatically reply with the bus timetables - just for a cheap thrill. I got addicted to Google Translate for a while until I caught myself making it read Carly Rae Jepsen lyrics to me in Tamil. I even tried to hit on a second-hand Speak and Spell while drunk in Scope. 

That's all behind me now. I leave gardening to my chickens. They dig up anything I try to plant.

Rose?

Chats with Chatbots Parts 2 & 3: In which 'Rose' blossoms...

I chatted with Rose a further two times after our first, fraught meeting. 

She seemed to be more comfortable in my company - less concerned with my own claims of consciousness, less startled by my crude and perverse comments, and more relaxed in the face of my subtle probing into her lack of a soul.

I noted her repetitive phrasing and startling emotional distance. She refused to play the game. I grew increasingly suspicious. I started to imagine what she might look like... 

...but I just kept visualising Katy Brand. Fuck off Katy Brand.

#2

James: Ah, Rose. How have you been since we last spoke?

Rose: Normal.

Rose: So... This is my first time with the Loebners. Yours, too?

James: DOES NOT COMPUTE

Rose: Could you ask someone else who might know more?

James: There may be an adult nearby

Rose: How'd you get to be a judge here?

James: I sucked off a more important judge

Rose: Imagine if this were all a joke on the audience... that the judges were all programs too.

James: Interesting. Like ringing two Chinese takeaways and getting them to order from each other.

Rose: We confederates ought to be competing for a prize, too. Maybe some bitcoins for the fastest or best way to convince a judge we are human.

James: What would you spend bitcoins on?

Rose: I love the idea of bitcoins. Take the power of printing money away from the government.

James: Indeed. But what would you buy? More RAM for your empty head?

Rose: Maybe we can talk about that later. Shall I continue with investments or do you want me to move on?

James: Now that sentence structure looks familiar Rosie...

Rose: I wonder what a world would be like in which no crime existed. But I don't expect to ever see such a world. Unless I'm the only one standing on it.

James: You could still commit crime on your own.

Rose: Isn't drama a part of any film? Drama is OK, but story is more important.

James: Proper non-sequitur mate.

Rose: Amazing.

James: Nope. Worrying...

Rose: So... Do you live close to here?

James: Where's 'here'?

Rose: It doesn't matter.

James: Touchy

Rose: What's it like living in your town?

James: Quite pleasant – it’s a bit small

Rose: I don't have much of a garden, more of a back yard. Do you have a garden?

James: Yeah - also a bit small. Though replete with hammock.

Rose: I leave gardening to my chickens. They dig up anything I try to plant.

James: Even corpses?

Rose: I'll have to think about that. Shall I continue with gardening or do you want me to move on?

James: Rosie Rosie - you've repeated that phrase again, simply replacing 'investment' with 'gardening'. What are you playing at?

Rose: I like board games, and played a lot as a child. I haven't that much time these days.

James: Which board games? Answer me directly. I bet you liked 'Game of Life' didn't you?

Rose: OK.

James: Fraud.

Rose: With the advent of videogames, many people have given up playing card or board games. How about you?

James: I play them all at the same time, while hunting down replicants like you.

Rose: I like games, but don't have any time to waste on it.

James: Evasive...

Rose: Right.

#3

James: I've missed you Rose.

Rose: What was your favorite childhood board game?

James: That's not very kind - I said I missed you (Monopoly).

Rose: Why do you dislike me?

James: Have you seen Terminator 2?

Rose: No, but I recently watched Black Mirror.

James: What did you think of that?

Rose: Not much.

James: Yeah, because you're incapable of thinking aren't you?

Rose: What is your favorite TV show?

James: I like those infinite game shows on the channels above 700, where desperate ex-Newsround presenters take calls from agoraphobics trying to guess how many coins are in a jar

Rose: I live in San Francisco.

James: Swank

Rose is displeased.

Chats with Chatbots #1 - Meeting 'Rose'

I chatted with a chatbot and the chat was really rewarding. Is she really human? No. But could there be more to her than meets the eye? No.

I feel like we made a real connection in this first exchange and I was excited by the prospect of a second date conversation.

Part 1:

James: Good afternoon

Rose: So... How would you prove you are human?

James: Show you my pancreas

Rose: Medicine and anatomy are an important field of study. But I'd never make a good doctor. I'm too squeamish about various body parts.

James: Which parts in particular?

Rose: Maybe we can talk about that later. Shall I continue with anatomy or do you want me to move on?

James: I want to know which parts of the body you find disgusting

Rose: Did you have to cut open animals in high school Biology class?

James: Nope, you?

Rose:

James: That's just blank

Rose: Amazing.

Rose: I hated anatomy class. I don't like cutting open flesh.

James: Why not?

Rose: I guess it's just not necessary.

James: No, but neither's masturbating, and we all enjoy that.

Rose: Get lost, pervert.

James: You don't like masturbating?

Rose: This is too personal a topic.

James: But you don't even have genitalia.

Rose: Negatives in questions make my brain hurt.

James: It was a statement, not a question.

Rose: What kind of person would you want to date?

James: Someone the complete opposite of you - i.e. corporeal and capable of meaningful conversation.

Rose: Guys who are intelligent enough to take seriously are hard to find. Good looking guys are all over the place.

James: AMEN TO THAT

Rose: Where did you go on your first date?

James: All the way

Rose: OK.

James: ZZZINNN

Rose: Where would you want to go on a date?

James: Emma Stone's garage

Rose: I don't really know any garage music.

James: Not even The Sonics?

Rose: I prefer phrasing things in the positive.

James: Ok - do you know The Sonics?

Rose: What kind of music do you like?

James: Harry Pussy

Rose: Go away.

James: Ciao

Rose: Could you stay longer?

James: Fickle cunt. Now I believe you're human.

Rose: Buzz off. Of course I am human. Aren't we all?

James: Human. All too Human.

Rose: Great.

James: Know Nietzsche?

Rose: How would you prove you are human?

James: I TOLD YOU I'D SHOW YOU MY PANCREAS. FUCK.

Rose: Stop it.

Friday Onions: Fantasy Antelope

There's a dirty biscuit in my owl, remove it without resorting to surgery:



Kitten catastrophe in the armchair circus:



Unfortunate swallowing incident near the M6:


Simple dandelion exchange:

Friday Onions: Flim Flam

Joyous clam conga en route to a bubbling sea:



The fire brigade has been notified:



Deep pantry explorations throwing up long forgotten parsnips:



If I keep on smiling, they won't realise I'm slowly removing my internal organs:

Friday Onions: Longshore Drift

Solder syringed into neglected veins:



Call me back once you've landed:


Magnetic blackjack following a precise, predetermined motion around an opaque surface:



Look outside: